Beneath This Man Jodi Ellen Malpas

Some say I’ll be better without you,
But they don’t know you like I do
Or at least the sides I thought I knew

I won’t rise until this battle’s won
My dignity’s become undone

But I won’t go
I can’t do it on my own
If this ain’t love, then what is?
I’m willing to take the risk

So petrified, I’m so scared to step into this ride
What if I lose my heart and fail the climb?
I won’t forgive me if I give up trying
…
There will be times
We’ll try and give it up
Bursting at the seams, no doubt
We’ll almost fall apart then burn the pieces
To watch them turn to dust
But nothing will ever taint us
He won’t go
He can’t do it on his own
If this ain’t love, then what is?
He’s willing to take the risk

So I won’t go
He can’t do it on his own
If this ain’t love, then what is?
I’m willing to take the risk

–  Adele, He won’t go.

There’s a bunch of other songs which come close to describing the absolutely mesmerizing clusterfuck of a love story between Ava and Jesse, but I settled for that one. Though, at the top of my mind are also Run from Snow Patrol, Good Enough by Lifehouse and The Light from Sara Bareilles, that also describe this couple’s awful, messy, beautiful, and disastrous relationship.

About the story 
Ava is Jesse’s everything, Jesse is Ava’s all. But their way of dealing with those overwhelming feelings of literally being consumed by the love you feel for another person, at times clashes. 

In this one we get the usual all consuming nature of their union, while they try to build a relationship where there’s also space for the rest of the regular life ~or at least Ava likes that option, Jesse doesn’t really care much about the rest of the world.

At first is all about a cracked Jesse and Ava trying to rebuild him. But soon we get our normal hot sex, heated words, sweet gestures disagreements, funny things ~’cause they’re so over the top~ Jesse does and says, Ava pushing it so she can have some space, Jesse being unreasonable and have I mentioned hot sex? Well, and on it goes on and on. Also, we see some cracks more often in Jesse’s character; him being extremely insecure rather than overly composed and self assured, and I think those facts made me like him more, understand him somewhat better. Later though, we get something so dark ~as in blindingly dark~, it got me broken, it really did; for a while there I didn’t think I’d recover, and to be honest I don’t think healed completely. It had a good ending all in all, but not satisfying enough. 
I want the next book to be 3,000 pages long and to explain everything in detail and to get lots and lots of Jesse and Ava in good places! And not always them being tinted by heartbreakingly ugly stuffs. 

Some thoughts on my part
Jesse is, quite simply the most obsessive, controlling and possessive man I’ve ever read about. He basically wants to have Ava for himself 24/7 and does not apologize for it. He is though quite straightforward when it comes to laying out all he wants from Ava. So do not delude yourself into believing she is reluctant to his advances. She likes having a job, friends and some measure of freedom, and though she can get tired at Jesse’s controlling streak, and likes to challenge him on it, she secretly enjoys it as much.

Jesse now, honey, you know I love you, and I thank god you’re only a fictional character and I can adore you virtually since I don’t think I would react quite as well as Ava does if you were mine/I was yours and stuff. That being said, I enjoy immensely reading about you and how you feel about Ava, how you treat her ~since is funny to me in an endearing way~, how you don’t give an f about proper manners but only about Ava and doing right by her. That’s why I’m so deeply, profoundly, soul wrenchingly sad and mad mostly depress at, with and for you. The things revealed on the last part, the things done and said… I don’t know maybe I’m just to much of a vulnerable silly cow, but bloody hell!! 

I honestly hope Jodi Ellen does a remarkable job writing the next book because she has some seriously major making up to do for some of the things Jesse’s done. I want a full and thoughtful trip down Jesse’s past! And I want an Ava who is as strong as in this one ~ btw kudos JEM finally a woman who backs up her word and who fights for her man!!~ And I want it NOW. 

I hate series like this one. Too bloody consuming to have them deliver the books with so much space in between! Well whatever, emotionally consumed me says bye. 

Hopeless by Colleen Hoover

“Sometimes you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. You just have to choose which wrong choice feels the least wrong.”

What a beautiful ugly story.

I’m realizing I just spent the last hour and a half of my life crying. And I don’t regret it one bit. Though this is the kind of book that makes you feel like a masochist for keep reading although you’re highly apprehensive of doing so since you fear what awaits next, you get irrevocably hooked to this book and cannot -at least I could’t- put it down until you finish it.

This is an excellently written story about two gorgeous and strong souls who find themselves irrevocably drawn to each other, and their walking towards a future hand in hand while being tied by the awfully dark ghosts on their pasts.

You’ll think it will all make it a heart wrenching story, and you’re right. Though I should note, this book fails to make you feel depress, it gives you instead a sense of catharsis since you get to rely on supremely strong characters that take over their fears and face their demons, for the most part with refreshing honesty between the two of them, making a united front in the face of all the ugliness that comes upon them.

I don’t think much can be said about this book that is worth a dang, you must read it to truly appreciate it’s tinted beautifulness. And I’m sure you will.

I couldn’t end this short review without addressing an important matter: Dean Holder, you are my hero – What a supremely marvelous character.

There is also something to be said about a book full of good quotes, and there was one in particular that will stick with me for some rather long while. Here it goes:

One of the things I love about books is being able to define and condense certain portions of a characters life into chapters. It’s intriguing, because you can’t do this with real life. You can’t just end a chapter, then skip the things you don’t want to live through, only to open it up to a chapter that better suits your mood. Life can’t be divided into chapters…only minutes. The events of your life are all crammed together one minute right after the other without any time lapses or blank pages or chapter breaks because no matter what happens life just keeps going and moving forward and words keep flowing and truths keep spewing whether you like it or not and life never lets you pause and just catch your fucking breath.